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Alison Boulter. First, read the most powerful affirmations below to build a strong mind. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. 66. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". 132. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. Some people are like clouds. 145. 108. 146. Short Positive Affirmations "I Am" Affirmations. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. I am at peace with my body and accept it as it is. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. 277. Raimonda.B. 141. I never apologize. 64. 228. 41. 32. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. No matter what I look like. 8. Short people with an umbrella. Because he was always spotted. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. Short Funny Affirmations. "Disconnect to connect.". 148. It has features that are distinctive and make me who I am. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting!, 15. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. At night, I cant fall asleep. It equates "weight loss" with thoughts like: I can. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. 271. 44. 33. You never run out of things that can go wrong. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut., 6. I did not trip and fall. When, in fact, we must be optimistic and supportive of ourselves. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. I am calm, patient and at peace. I breathe in and out. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. If only common sense were more common. 235. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 111. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. 135. You cant have everything, where would you put it? Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. It was created to do amazing things. Nobody is listening, but you still feel embarrassed. 62. It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. 43. Albert Einstein. 202. And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. Albert Einstein They planet. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. I eat cake because its someones birthday somewhere today. 18. You wanna know who Im in love with? Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. Sam Levenson 108. Im amusing and make the people around me happy. - Unknown. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. 158. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. My mood swings keep life interesting. Today, I am thankful for this week. 16. They planet. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. Send me the link. 179. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. Bill Murray. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. You never run out of things that can go wrong. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. Really? Alright, get in the basket. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. 262. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. I intend to live forever. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. 1. Emphasis on the cool. 173. 31. 164. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Life always offers you a second chance. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. I teach my kids good things in sarcastic ways. Steve Martin, 254. I thought you said extra fries. Decomposing. Unknown. I am passing all the things and hardships with a smile. I am feeling wittier and more naturally funny. George Burns 84. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. 171. 236. 268. 69. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese, 9. 15. Who cares about the future? Give your body time to absorb the positivity and let go of negative thoughts. 243. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. 105. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full., 11. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. Never ask a starfish for directions. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. If you are looking for a way to get more laughs in your day, try some of these funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. Its okay, he woke up. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. (John 14:27) 27. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. 9. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. 40. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me. Lily Tomlin, 242. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. 238. 234. Funny affirmation quotes funny quotes about affirmation. 2. Funny Wednesday Work Quotes. Czech proverb, 261. Looking for positive funny affirmations? 128. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown. Not everyone has to like me. I train my body. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am hot!, 14. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. 213. This is a snap. I am the sunshine even when its gloomy outside. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up. Words have the power to make or break us. 5. 1. Your life is your message to the world. Ive got three bones. My body belongs to me and I can set boundaries around it. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. Why did the can crusher quit his job? 184. Life is always easier with some humor, smiles, laughter and fun. Im not insulting you. Because they make up everything. When nothing is going right, go left. Build a bridge. Sincerely, the floor. Wilson Mizner 19. When and How to Let Them Know, How To Cheer Yourself Up When Feeling Down, 5 Things To Discuss With Your Partner Before Marriage, Funny Positive Affirmations For Self-Esteem, 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams, 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. I am finding fun and joy in everything I do and everywhere I go. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Albert Einstein Dont worry about those who talk behind your back, theyre behind you for a reason., See also: The Best List Of 130 People Talk Behind Your Back Quotes. I am attractive just as I am. If youre looking for a way to brighten your day and amp up your attitude, youve come to the right place. 3. Steve Martin About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact 2023 Quotement. Positive affirmations are a longstanding practice for those of us who need a little extra daily encouragement, and the best part isthey're free and they're flexible! Still, you need to embrace each of these surprises with same positive conviction and appreciation. Dave Barry - Benjamin Franklin. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. Frances McDormand, 42. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". I will drink my coffee and conquer my day. 143. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me. Not me, but somebody does. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. Swimming trunks. , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 -9 years, you can believe in yourself for at least 5 minutes. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. Its called tomorrow. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Snowballs. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Your email address will not be published. 61. I will tell the negative voice inside my head to shut up. Friends buy you food. You were too lazy to read that number. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. 248. The library, because it has so many stories. Ive got three bones. Using humor can help you bridge the gap and empower you to believe in affirmations and their outcome. We need to hear a pin drop. 7. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. 16. Czech proverb Shoot for the moon. 175. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please., 4. 159. 174. Dont forget that you get 24 hours, even on your worst day. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 246. 82. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. So far, so good. "We . We frequently doubt ourselves. Read next: 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset, Posted on Published: January 26, 2023- Last updated: January 27, 2023, Home 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, Fabulous List Of 120 Cute Names To Call Your Crush, 120 Follow Your Dreams Quotes To Keep You On The Track. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. 162. Ted Turner. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. "I make people laugh, whether it's with me or at me.". Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. I am so worthy so that I am filling the life of people with fun and joy. "Once you choose hope, anything's possible.". Making everyone angry, piece of cake. Ill start this journey with my 10 favorite funny affirmations that never fail to make me laugh. Cindy from Marzahn My mind is becoming much sharper. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. 112. 252. Get help beating negative thinking by reciting positive affirmation every day. 14. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. Best friends eat your food. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up., 14. Ill keep going forward even if my pants tear off. In between, I am alive. 191. It is already tomorrow in Australia.". "If you see me talking to myself. Because he was always spotted. 25. They log in. It takes so little to change your life! 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember. 151. health is important. I believe in what's possible for me. 253. I did it! You were too lazy to read that number. ( @malacollective) Fear and adventure go hand-in-hand when you're following your dreams. Mental Style Project has been created as an outlet to guide you as you navigate through life, with the right tools and resources that will upgrade your life, enable you to take charge of your personal growth, and improve your wellness journey. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. 63. Snowballs. Live life to the fullest. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. 272. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. 1. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. Charles M. Schulz. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Stuart Turner 18 Funny Positive Affirmations. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. It will have a positive effect on your mind and body, and form an association between affirmations and a happy feeling. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! In between, I am alive. 260. 26. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. Those who snore always fall asleep first. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. 2. Does it count if you say them in your mind? I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. 22. Happiness is a choice. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today., 12. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. 209. Socrates. 117. I enjoy every minute of it. 165. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. 65. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Funny Affirmations. Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time., See also: 210 Killer Self Love Captions For Instagram To Lift You Up. 132. Actually, you dont have to imagine. 278. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. Find a quiet place without distractions. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. 57. 10. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Need to send some positive energy your way? I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. 34. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. I can do this. Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. 56. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. It's why you may feel excinervous (aka excited and nervous at the same time). I woke up with some aches and pains, but I woke up. 157. Rather, the goal is to help kids recognize the truth, in situations and in themselves. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. Everyone wants to talk with me because I am very funny. 138. 195. Microchips. 22. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. Jackie Collins, 240. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. A backbone. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat. My sense of humor makes the world a better place., 8. "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.". Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. Hi! With a cowculator. The only power you have is the word no. Hence, avoid using past or future tenses. 168. 271. What is Mozart doing right now? For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. 35. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. 188. I know the best time to make fun. Self-worth has nothing to do with clothing size. Enjoy! 152. I am capable of eating a family-sized bag of chips. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. I understand people talking about me. Envelope. 1. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Just like every Monday does on Earth. - Roy T. Bennett. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. I am strong and getting stronger every day. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? 8. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 84. 162. Dear Monday, my mama doesn't like you and she likes everyone. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. If only common sense were more common. It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. "Today will be a great day". You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. Be careful when you follow the masses. 112. 1. 38. 233. 160. - Unkmown. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. 26. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. 244. 6. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. 241. 230. 186. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 161. These little phrases can be said aloud or written down anywhere to remind yourself that everything will turn out okay. I am on a seafood diet. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 49. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? My future is a golden, sparkly, explosion of fucking awesomeness. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. Walter Bagehot. 187. 205. Begin your days with these powerful, funny affirmations for self-esteem. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. It may feel useless but just get into it. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. 9. Bill Murray, 257. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. Its a door, thats how they work. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. 266. You need some sort of way to offset the inevitable stressors of life, and what better way to do that than with humor? I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. 53. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. I can have peace, even when people irritate me. Finding humor in a difficult situation helps me win. Theres no stopping me now. 171. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. It has nothing new to tell you. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. Before using these amusing affirmations, you should believe in your sense of humor. 117. Milton Berle I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor., 4. 36. 152. 100. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. 233. 54. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. I enjoy every minute of it. 245. Be careful when you follow the masses. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. 189. Required fields are marked *. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 58. 161. Henny Youngman 113. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. Wilson Mizner, 262. 178. Roy Lichtenstein 179. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. 23. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 150. They make you change without hurting your self-esteem. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. I am full of vitality. Bill Murray Gary Delaney 4. 182. If I lose my hopes, I am afraid my mom will still scold me for taking it out and showing it to friends. 26. Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. "Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.". Why is England the wettest country? 149. 100. 2. 24. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. Ive been doing nothing for years. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. 29. 193. Erma Bombeck Your actions become your habits. 121. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. 58. A backbone. - Jeffrey Gitomer. 11. My chins are a stairway to heaven. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. 91. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 'Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.'. I try to see the funny side of every situation. 22. Yeah, so is a grenade. No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. Similar to how it's important to minimize distractions in the workplace, you need a few minutes of peace to focus and mindfully say your affirmations. Its scary when it disappears. 52. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits. Sincerely, yourself. 47. 80. 4. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 1. 134. I can always think of something funny to say. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 180. 115. It makes them so damned mad. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way., See also: 120 Best Spiritual Universe Quotes To Contemplate Life. Franklin Jones, 259. Im still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower., See also: 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 8. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 157. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. 261. It just plain forms. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. 2. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. Bill Murray 118. Use this space for describing your block. Here are the 200 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Those who snore always fall asleep first. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. Laughter can help you see the humor in otherwise grim situations. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. 93. 242. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. 59. 228. I never apologize. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. Its a door, thats how they work. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Thank God Im an atheist. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need.