You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. Just because FOX cancelled Firefly doesnt mean its not awesome anymore. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. So sad. Related- History Channel has some great programming thats HIGHLY educational but fun to watch. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. Ostensibly through her mother. We are this little team of 2. Show interest in his interests. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. lets_be_honest He can take care of himself." Like many women,. I agree with what Wendy said, but I also think the dad needs to show interests in her interests. Unless you are from PA, of course. Her free spirit and spontaneity. What kind of history and science is your husband into? Totally agree on the respect issue. You're surely not alone. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. I assumed it was more than just playful eye rolling because of the added detail about disparaging remarks. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! Im peace-ing out. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. July 2, 2013, 12:30 pm. The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. This makes me so deeply jealous. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. What is arguable? If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . But hes so cute when hes excited about something. sarolabelle I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. lets_be_honest Tell her how much he appreciates it. Make it easier for him to be his best self. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). Others see him as a bully and a hole. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. bittergaymark July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. Ive been there. Or find something neutral. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? So, encourage her to spend time with him. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! lets_be_honest At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? PostedOctober 22, 2014 My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. lets_be_honest Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. Your email address will not be published. Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. I dont understand the amount of hating on fandom today. lets_be_honest Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. What is this site, a Masters program? Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. No. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? Skyblossom However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. lets_be_honest Seriously, this guy is an asshole. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Most of them are women. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. I know from personal experience. Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. Plus he writes strong female characters, which is good for any girl growing up to identify with. Hes embarrassing her. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! Absolutely. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. I have to agree. Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). I helped with yard work. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. haha. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? Yes! He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. No. I simply didnt get it.) 1. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). All rights reserved. Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. Jordan was my fave back in the day. A: There are two things to consider here. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. I know I did. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). I camped. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). Cardinals games and all. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. Um, not so much. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. July 2, 2013, 12:42 pm. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. Its a really nice time to shoot the shit and get your head clear fishing can be very enjoyable, plus you have a free meal at the end of it! Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? I think this is a great point. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). Make it easier for him to be his best self. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. Whats ok is to have a balance. I hope the LW sees your comment. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. Not talking on cell phones, thats where. My point is that he is sort of entitled to have a threshold of finding the interests of a 12 year old girl annoying. She wasnt responding to the father though. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. bittergaymark The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. Continue with Recommended Cookies. Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. Id definitely address his eye-rolling and tell him it is likely going to drive her away, but I also think that if you make an effort to stop excluding him, you might find his behavior improving. is the crux of your real issues here. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. I was afraid the BS stood for something else. Did we always get along? Did my mother? Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. My brother did not. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. 6napkinburger Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. Its great to have an involved parent, but its also good to take a step back and take time for yourself and your marriage. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). My husband's daughter is coming to visit. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. I cried myself to sleep. lets_be_honest Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? lets_be_honest He came home four hours later. Mother of a Fangirl. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. lets_be_honest I think you are probably right. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests.
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